If Elizabeth Bathory were alive today, what would she say to us?
First of all, let’s give this crazy bitch props. She is purportedly the most prolific female serial killer of all time. A quick Google search tells us that not only does she hold the record for female killers, but the most deadly male serial killer was Harold Shipman with a not too shabby 215 proven victims. Our friend Liz out-slaughtered him by literally hundreds. To the tune of some 600 victims. Maybe more.
So who was Bathory? Listen friends, I had to Google. I mean, I absolutely know her name and the basics, but the details? Who cares? She’s bad ass.
Elizabeth Bathory was born Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed Aug 07, 1560 in the Kingdom of Hungary. She was raised by both of her parents, Anna and George and had a brother, István. For my purposes this appeared to be a happy little family, with both parents being Voivodes of Transylvania, but admittedly I didn’t excavate her genealogy chart – because seriously, how much dysfunction can we find in every family?
Elizabeth was presumably heterosexual but in my opinion, due to the sexual nature of some of her alleged crimes, this is questionable. She married Count Ferenc Nádasdy, who apparently taught her the tricks of the torture-trade, in 1575 at age 14 and had five children (some sources say only two survived, some say three).
Someone dig that chart and tell me what you unearth.
So after the Count died in 1604, Bathory took control of the estates, which honestly she had all along as they spent much of their marriage apart as he was off fighting the Turks and probably whoring around while she was doing her own business in luxury. This is when Bathory went Bonkers. Liz went Loony. The Countess went Crazier, if you will.
Rumor has it that this chick was a knockout. And while she was a murderess prior, when her husband died at her ripe old age of 43, she realized she was no spring chicken and this infuriated her. Same, sister, same. She decided to do something about this calamity. Clearly the answer was a bloodbath. Literally. Liz tortured, mutilated, cannibalized, slaughtered and bathed in the blood of victims in her own Slovakian Čachtice Castle, because creature comforts, yo! And hey, between you and me? I heard she had four homies helping her do it.
My Ride or Dies can barely coordinate dinner plans.
Oh, you want deets?
Most of her victims were servants and minor noblewomen. Some were covered in honey and left outside for the critters to nibble. Some were stripped naked and plunged into ice baths in the chillier weather. Needles were driven into fingers, noses were cut, shoulders and breasts were bitten (don’t kink shame, k?), flesh was burned – including genitals which brings me back to the question of heterosexual. Nah, that sounds like there’s a touch of girl crushing going on. But hey, maybe she was just certifiable. Some people pay good money for this shit.
Apparently, during an episode of vampirism or an equally questionable act, some blood splashed onto our Lizzy’s beautiful face and she was like “wow, ez csodálatos” or whatever they say in Hungary (and I had to have that translated, so therefore so do you) and proceeded to rub the red goo all over her flawless (yet now wrinkled, 43 years old you know!) skin. *Chef’s Kiss*
That was in bad taste. Even for me. Servants: you can eat them, you can wear them. Good for SO many things. Use ALL PARTS of the woman!
I digress.
Witches and Sorcerers and Occultists were playmates of Ms. Bathory and they taught her the secrets of the Dark Side. They took one look at her newly rejuvenated face and exclaimed, “stupéfiant toi déesse” (which listen, I totally typed “stunning you goddess” and apparently that’s it in French) and thereby the Fount of Youth was founded.
For some twenty years our heroine went on with her bad self, living her best life, until she was arrested on December 30th 1610. That math doesn’t really math for me, so just accept that I chose random tidbits from various internet locations to piece together the details of this post and I don’t in any way guarantee the veracity of anything I say here. Almost ever.
Anyway as I was saying, she was sentenced to life imprisonment and placed in solitary confinement in her own Čachtice Castle where she died of natural causes on November 21st at the age of 54. And she was still fucking gorgeous, I bet.
So what would Elizabeth Bathory say to us if hottie was alive today?
“Not Guilty.”
Think about this. Late 16th to early 17th century and the headline reads:
Wealthy Widow Accused of Murder, Witchcraft and Sexual Misconduct!
Read all about it, assholes. They wanted her land, they wanted her power, they wanted to be her. Only *they* had penises. And probably weren’t beautiful and likely looked aged. Jealousy isn’t just for housewives, people.
Elizabeth was a victim of conspiracy. The allegations against her were politically motivated. She was relatively young when she lost her husband, and instead of retiring to mourn as was expected, she handled the estates capably for many years. She was a powerful public figure, and her accusations and so-called trial were a high-level conspiracy to shove this commanding woman out of the way. Ah, how delicate the male pride.
The alleged victim’s bodies found in her castle? Who says they existed? These people supposedly killed would have had few to no family to demand the murderer be caught, or to even claim them missing. Furthermore, the court official who supposedly discovered these bodies never testified, and many of the witnesses that spoke against Bathory were indebted to Thurzó, the Lord Palatine of Hungary who oversaw the whole investigation. Bathory’s servants confessed under torture and torture makes their confessions unreliable. Accusations of murder were based on hearsay; most testified that they had heard, but had not seen these things for themselves.
Take some knowledge, reader, this was huge news and her family was aware. Her male family members wanted to retain her power, her fortune, her empire for themselves. Opposing realms saw her as a threat.
Ask yourself, what would happen today? Is it truly so farfetched that men would be intimidated by a woman this dominant and resilient? Is it out of the realm of reason to think that her wealth and status would be envied? Here we are, how many years later and the glass ceiling still exists in all its murky, imbalanced, bullshit glory.
Can we honestly trust that BAE wasn’t framed?
That’s just it. Nobody actually knows.
Unfair trial, biased witnesses, fucking men. Our beloved Countess was cheated. Full stop. Even if she sliced and diced, munched and crunched, this woman is a fucking legacy. You better recognize.
Sleep sweet, Lizzy, and if it’s blood you seek, may it be the blood of your enemies.
Bathory Was Innocent,
Butterfly
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